We should hang out later!, You: Later like tonight, or later like, lets look at our calendars and set something up?, Them: This was great, we should do this again sometime., You: I agree. Er yes, you have? Asking someone over to hang out at your house is much more personal if you ask him in person -- when that's possible and practical. I am so so glad I never lived in those days, and that people who know me understand that Hello friend, I am here now, drop the thing you were doing and climb stairs and corral pets and get dressed if you werent wearing something street-appropriate and break your focus because after all, it will only be for a chat on the front porch! does not fill me with joy. Also, the last time I tried to invite myself along to something some friends were doing, I found out later that it had been a date, except they werent telling anybody they were dating, so instead they said all sorts of kind of unpleasant things to make me not want to go (the seats will be uncomfortable because of your size, etc). Ive dropped in on people, but I make it a point to A) ask if this is an okay time/are they busy/etc and B) not be more than 10 minutes unless I am absolutely sure its okay to hang out for a bit (ie. There might be more back-and-forth, or the grownups might talk directly if things seemed to be getting complicated or if communication via the kids was getting garbled. But if shes not just inviting herself to reasonably open events but specifically to ones where *specific numbers of guests* actually matters, she needs to learn and you and everyone else needs to stop being expected to carry her through life. Even if some or all of those things were not true, I still, like everyone else, have a right to privacy and personal space. One of the other church singers was very obviously hovering and listening in and asking questions when I was talking about it to the music director (who is (a) a very good friend of mine and (b) actually going to be playing at the wedding) and a couple of other friends. When a guy has a thing for you, he'll want to talk to you all the time and as often as possible. Re: Purple0 (sorry nesting fail) Then blame the person who triggered their explosion. If she shouts at you? We actually moved to a new unit in our complex to get away from her. Yeah, eselle, this seems like the best compromise/solution. Yes! Yeah, thats what bugs me: I understand Things Happen, but to just turn up hours late without an explanation and then expect that the host will want to stick around and talk? You want things to go right for T, and your son to be happy with the results as well, and leave T wanting more. That is also the way the kids here in our neighborhood do it, they knock but to invite the person out or over, not themselves in. Granted, if the person was my friend who needed some form of urgent help (my phones dead, can you call my dad for a ride etc), that would be different, but still. What my friend did that bothered us was: Then you can say, What are you doing later/tonight/this weekend? and theyll say, Hannibal marathon with X and Y, want to come? or even, I was thinking about heading down to the new brunch place, and you can try something like, Ive been meaning to check that place out! which is not QUITE inviting yourself along but can land you an invitation. Thats just me though and I appreciate its different for everyone. So I certainly think its possible that some kids would benefit from more guidance/help at a given age than others, and based on Elizabeths description of the situation, her son definitely might be one of them. My parents chewed me out in the car when they came to get me for inviting myself over to someones home (which I was already in and had been asked if I wanted to stay). But so many people want to hang out all day. If youre not my bestie, I dont think you have a right to an explanation for why I invited you to Event A but not Event Very Like Event A. He's not going to want to have you over again if he has to spend the next hour scraping bits of lasagna off the bottom of a pan. They think if someone hasn't been invited to something they shouldn't try to force the issue. Certain people, certain times in my life, I have been 100% okay with showing up unannounced at their place and vice versa. Seriously. If youre a very social person and if you do know how to stick to a time limit then leave, awesome. His dads Belgian and his mums Irish and he grew up in Ireland but went to university in Belgium and hes been working in Austria for the last five years but he spends a lot of time in Ireland and I have NO IDEA which version he was using and I dont have his phone number!. Ha! Asking a little in advance gives me a chance to refuse if Im busy or say yes enthusiastically (and shame-clean) if Im not. Cookie Notice I said yes! My rule of thumb is to not go anywhere where I have not been expressly invited (kind of like the vampires in the Captains hilarious trailer). If he was on his way somewhere else then I could expect it to be short, but it could also turn into a give a mouse a cookie situation pretty quickly. Maybe the venue is small. Applauding the efforts of organizations and individuals who are doing something good. If the person enthusiastically responds, like, THANK YOU, I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD SAY THAT, COME BY AT 11? then you are invited. Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. Without telling us?). Right now Im having major problem with my cousin- she thinks she should be able to drop by whenever she wants, with no call ahead (and then delights in judging my life and telling the rest of the family that Im failing as a caretaker to my mother.) You can ask directly, but it might not be something that the friend can articulate clearly. mostly this is something the other person would figure out on their own, not something you would tell them. I came down to help full-time, 24/7, with my grandmothers care; sadly, she died a while back. Like you, if specifically invited, its green; anything else is red. Unfortunately, during the same era, houseguests could stay for months and you couldnt ask them to leave. People actually try to invite themselves on your vacations? You must not mind being told not a good time, please leave. My room was never a safe space, my parents would randomly trash it, tearing posters down, tossing the place for evidence of fuck knows what, then throw out all of my stuff. Im not a fan of the dropping by. He won't necessarily have a good conversation starter at the top of his mind or really know what to say to you. But Im not ok w/ other people seeing that (especially when its messy instead of just cluttered). Ive often considered having a certain day be my at home day, as was common in the Regency period. Anyway, those are the general rules I would follow, but I think here as some others have noted its really important that your friend has been pulling away from her generally for the past year. Feeling confident in the friendship, and not thinking about the possibility that people can like you bunches. Eek, that is so awkward, though your way forward is clear: Ride out the tantrums and put your hands in the air like you just dont care. Find 33 ways to say INVITING, along with antonyms, related words, and example sentences at Thesaurus.com, the world's most trusted free thesaurus. Heres the difference between your pet peeve and the pet peeve of the person youre replying to. Ask him if it is cool to come over or if he would keep you company while your friends come back. But I do think its actually not very polite to do it. Sometimes an hour early. yes exactly on the no clear rule. i have had friends who text, i am walking past your building! If a bunch of people are meeting at a bar at a certain time, it's usually fine to say you may be there as well. If you call him up a few hours before you want to hang out, he may say no due to prior plans or because his apartment is messy. I wonder if perhaps we are related distantly. Secondly I don't think he would even look at you if he wouldn't like you. Hoping to see your face among the crowd. however. People would say to me things like, Oh, we should get together soon! and Id say, Yeah, lets do that! Then Id wait for them to call me, because in the culture I grew up in, a person wouldnt extend themselves to say we should get together unless they really wanted to do that, and maybe they just had to go home first and check their calendar and the person who was on the receiving end of the invitation shouldnt call the other person, because it would be rude and demanding to not take them at their word. Im already in the zone, so if someone cruises by and is like HEYYYYY I WAS PASSING THROUGH, well, I was already mentally prepared for interruption. My gran is old-fashioned enough that she has actual calling cards with nothing but her name on them, so if she drops by someones house and theyre not home, she tucks the card in the doorframe to let them know she was there. Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. Actually I think I would be more likely to drop in on someones workplace than their home-it seems more boundary-y, more able to be formal instead of too friendly., and noone has to shame-clean. I think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. What counts as nothing pressing? Maybe they want to go home and do a Netflix marathon or something. When someone is yelling at you and trying to hurt you with sarcasm, it is because they have chosen to respond in a hurtful manner. I have a friend who does this. I would say that if a guy invites you over, just say "how about we meet at x" and change the plans before you label him as a creep. I also hate it when people come early when Im still cleaning or dog wrangling. In college, in dorms or group housing situations in the early 1990s, friends were like vampires: Invite them in once and then they werepretty free to come and go, and there would always be that one person who doesnt pay rent but is nonetheless always around. From the angle Im looking, her best friend is trying to decrease the closeness or frequency of interactions in this relationship, and the LW hasnt quite gotten that message yet. Werewolves not Swearwolves. This sounds exactly like the developmental stage that our kid is going through shes currently grappling with the fact that other people wont always do things just because she demands it, and having temper tantrums when she gets confronted with that fact. Its the soft no issue. I kind of describe myself as an introverted extrovert. Even my parents call before coming over, and the only times Ive said no are when I was too sick or exhausted to want to see them. People might suffer my presence, but a lot of invites were basically to everyone in the group but me and maybe one or two other fringe members. *deep breaths* He only ever is here for 15 minutes and hes been my husbands friend for more than 20 years so I dont feel as if I can be as agressive about my boundaries as I normally am. Many people just consider it rude, clueless, or presumptuous. I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? Copyright. Mezzanines description is honest; its just setting an agreed-upon check-in point in advanceyou need to check in and see if I want you to leave after X time, at which point I will let you know how I feel. Those are really helpful sometimes, especially if a person doesnt always realize theyre starting to feel run down unless the topic comes up. Offer To Fix Him A Meal The society believes that 'male borns' are not often clean. They will say yes or no and you will figure something out. Of course, I have the option of hedging with an answer like Id need to check my calendar. Some statement like: my kid is really really excited about T coming over and wants to do X and have ice cream with them, what works for you? In that happy, low key tone, you could say something like: A broader issue in whether inviting yourself is okay is how much will people like your company once you're there? However, if youre not a very close friend, when your cup is empty, its time to go. If put on the spot they may feel too uncomfortable saying no. Only me. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. Plus, Im mostly talking about making plans with friends who arent BFFs. You could for instance say, I would like to invite you over to my place but my roommate is not so cool with that . Good question! Saying no can be hard for me, especially if youre at the front door. Im certainly going to be packed and ready to go, but it tends to be easier for both parties if they just call me when theyre there, or even when theyre getting close so I can get to the curb and wait without having to then find out that theyre stuck in traffic and are going to be 15 minute late. Never, under any circumstances, ever, show up to someones house EARLY. Ill pick you up at such-and-such time. Either way, the fact is that they arent making you a priority, so stop scanning no for signs and traces of a yes. Some of our relatives assume that discussing plans for New Years (just as an example) means that *everyone* will be going, including people whose mothers just died and need time to grieve alone. Not even family or closest friends. Now, of course, Im gun-shy about making friendly or romantic overtures because I can never convince myself that people arent just being polite to me out of pity. Oh eek. Firstly, if he laughs and giggles about these situations, that means that he is interested in talking to you and enjoys your time. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). Why? But then I worry she will think Im pre-emptively avoiding her. I can definitely understand confirming in that case! It also depends on how involved the last-minute thing Im invited to is. I say this, and I am a pretty easy-going person about not being invited to things. Or if I say, to, in a completely made-up situation, to my dads sweet elderly Midwestern cousin, Oh sure come over for lunch the next time you have to be in town to go to the VA. Oh. I like to be alone. (I mean, my house is my Fortress of Solitude, and I can be super grumpy if Im interrupted in the middle of something by my phone, but unless underlying issues are at play, even I the Queen of the Solitary Grumpies here am never going to reply to a self-invite with Dude, totally inappropriate! rather than just, Nope, not gonna work right now.) Talk about it with her if youd like; let her slow-fade quietly on out if youd like; find a new awesome person to enjoy riding with. Maybe later in the week, like Thursday or something? Im used to being the awkward girl the group puts up with due to circumstance(classes, volunteer groups, tour groups, etc), the one asked to take the photos because no one actively wants her in them. Sometimes when we are in town visiting his friends will just stop in because they saw our car. 26) My car is broken. A lot of it probably is the presumption of intimacy of showed up at my house compared to showed up at my work. My bathroom at home is also the guest bathroom and I kind of want to tidy up slightly embarrassing but totally normal hygiene products before someone uses it? as possible. Im free next Thursday, if you want to try for then?. There was often a pattern where Kid One would ask permission to invite Kid Two over, their grownups would give permission, the kid would do the actual inviting, Kid Two would ask their grownups for permission, Kid Twos grownups would only give permission if they were able to give Kid Two a ride if needed, and then Kid Two would accept the invitation and visit Kid One. Not in the South. Pick your clothes up off the floor, make the bed and for the love of God, make sure it smells good in there. You talked 10 seconds ago, could you zip it with the honking?? Whenever I want to hang out with ANYONE I know I always drop a text beforehand and make sure my wording sends the message that its totally optional on their part to agree to hang or not. Im also getting the sense that things are shifting between us a bit is there anything I can do to help our friendship be as comfortable as it used to be?. I was recently called out for inviting myself over to my friends home to show off my new bike. Otherwise, leave your card with Jeeves, and Ill return your call at my earliest convenience. Theres too often that one person who will take such a phrase as permission to mentally or even openly label you as socially inept and start treating you with less respect or discounting your opinions about social things. Yeah, definitely my building has a lock on the front gate that can only be opened with a key, no buzzer/code to punch in/etc., so my friends have to text me in order to get to my doorbell anyway; I would rather they just text me and have me run out to the car to save them the trouble of parking! Jesus Chris on a bike. One of my flats about ten years ago, when we had our housewarming party a guy turned up about three hours before the usual start time about 6 I think, and even at 9 you wouldnt expect many people to have arrived yet. I suppose if someone REALLY didnt want to go away I could also let the dogs outside, but that seems more antisocial than is necessary. If someone is going to turn up at my FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE err I mean apartment, I need to mentally prepare myself. If we set up a specific time, place, and activity, then I am definitely going and so are you, unless one of us says otherwise! What Happens If You Put Salt In The Corners Of Your House? If he is into you he will definitely show up as he will want to protect you. More like quasi-grudging, quasi-cheerful wellp, this is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, so Im getting there slowly stuff. I'm Chris Macleod. Wanna join, Wee_Ramekin?). I cant always do everything with all the family. I may be asleep. It is exactly what the Captain says about her not having the bandwidth to reach out to me so maybe I should just let it go but I miss her so much and I dont want to lose the connection. For the chronic advice-givers, this usually takes me repeatedly saying I know youre trying to help, but Im just venting right now so I dont want advice, thanks. I used to get REALLY angry about it, but eventually I realized that most people arent my horribly abusive family: they are genuinely trying to help, and will stop once you tell them that its not helping, rather than continuing until you start crying uncontrollably and agreeing to do whatever they say. Just consider it rude, clueless, or presumptuous we actually moved to a brunch particularfriend of yours might somewhat! Pre-Emptively avoiding her seems like the best compromise/solution any circumstances, ever, show up to someones house early,. Work right now. Im free next Thursday, if you put Salt the. 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